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THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE – DRINK
17 – beer
25 – beer
35 – vodka
48 – vodka martini
66 – Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 – My parents are away for the weekend.
25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 – My wife is away for the weekend.
48 – My wife thinks I am on business for the weekend.
66 – My credit is still good, but my ex has the money.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 – sex
25 – sex
35 – sex
48 – sex
66 – napping(remembering sex in the old days)
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 – “tongue”
25 – “breakfast”
35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 – “Got home alive.”
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 – getting to third
25 – airplane sex (train…)
35 – menage a trois
48 – taking the company public
66 – remembering how good it was getting to third
HOUSE PET
17 – roaches
25 – stoned-out college roommate
35 – Irish setter
48 – children from his first marriage
66 – Barbie
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 – 25
25 – 35
35 – 48
48 – 66
66 – 17
IDEAL DATE
17 – Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 – “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35 – “Just come over.”
48 – “Just come over and cook.”
66 – Just call her from the Caymans
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE – DRINK
17 – Wine Coolers
25 – White wine
35 – Red wine
48 – Dom Perignon
66 – Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 – Need to wash my hair
25 – Need to wash and condition my hair
35 – Need to color my hair
48 – Need to have Francois color my hair
66 – Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 – shopping
25 – shopping
35 – shopping
48 – shopping
66 – shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 – “Burger King”
25 – “Free meal”
35 – “A diamond”
48 – “A bigger diamond”
66 – “Home Alone”
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 – tall, dark and handsome
25 – tall, dark and handsome with money
35 – handsome with lots of money
48 – lots of money
66 – lots of money and he’s on heart medication
HOUSE PET
17 – Muffy the cat
25 – Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 – Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 – Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 – Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 – 17
25 – 25
35 – 35
48 – 48
66 – 66
IDEAL DATE
17 – He offers to pay
25 – He pays
35 – He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 – He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 – He can chew breakfast
