By Doron Gil, Ph.D.


Here are 5 rules by which you can kill your relationship. The more you employ these rules, the more certain you can be that your relationship will be damaged:

1. Do not communicate
2. Be controlling
3. Always give negative feedback and criticism
4. Do not respect your partner
5. Do not pay attention and do not listen

1. Do not communicate

Communication is one of the pillars of a healthy relationship. It enables you to know one another; to share your daily as well as your life experiences; to be there for each other in good and bad times.

No communication is therefore a sure way to ruin your relationship. If you do not communicate with your partner he / she feels isolated, lonely, not loved. She / he feels that they are not important to you anymore. In the long run lack of communication might lead your partner to find solace with someone else …

2. Be controlling

Mutual decision-making is important in a good relationship. You and your partner feel that the two of you take part in whatever decisions you are making; that the two of you aim at experiencing your intimacy to the benefit of the two of you; that you respect each other’s opinions, needs and desires.

If you are too controlling within the relationship you give your partner the feeling that he / she is not worth much; that his / her opinions do not count; that he / she can not be trusted to make logical decisions. Your controlling behavior imposes that you are more important; that you know it all; that everything needs to be done your way.

At the beginning of the relationship your partner may feel that you take the lead and it means you love him / her so much. But in the long run, when your partner feels there is no room for his / her decisions and opinions, bitterness, disappointment and anger might slow crawl in.

3. Always give negative feedback and criticism

Every one loves to receive positive feedback and reinforcement. It makes them feel good about themselves and about the things they do; it makes them feel honored and respected; it elevates their self-esteem. It makes them feel good about their partner and the relationship. They feel at home.

However, there are those who always see the negative rather than the positive. If you are a person who always gives negative feedback to your partner; you always criticize him / her; you always show your partner his / her faults, mistakes, wrongdoings, you give a very clear message that he / she is not smart enough; is wrong most of the time; can not be trusted and respected.

Constant negative feedback and criticism, when you often use words such as: “you always do such and such …”; “how many times have I told you …”; “you never listen to me!” – can lead your relationship in only one direction: downhill.

4. Do not respect your partner

We all need to be respected; to feel good about who we are as people and about the things that we do. Showing respect to your partner enables him / her to feel loved; assured in your love; happy about the person he / she is; trusting that you love her / him “just the way they are”. Continuous respect indicates to your partner that the relationship is going on the right track; that you continue to love him / her; that there is nothing to worry about; that you will be there for him / her at all times.

Not respecting your partner, or worst: showing that you disrespect him / her, is a sure way to distance yourself from one another; to feel isolated from one another; to cause your partner to ever hate you. Not respecting your partner causes whatever initial bond the two disappear, evaporate; to bitterness, anger and disillusion to creep into the relationship.

5. Do not pay attention and do not listen

Paying attention and listening to one another is of uttermost important for a successful relationship. You feel close to one another; you feel loved and cared for; you show interest in one another; your partner feels he / she is important to you, that you want to know whatever she / he is going through; whatever has happened during the day or the week; that you care about his / her thoughts, ideas, aspirations, needs and mood, and are interested in his / her well-being.

Not paying attention and not listening to your partner causes him / her to feel alone; unwanted; not cared for. He / she feels as if your computer and / or phone are more important to you than him / her. Your partner feels that your life together is not “together” anymore. He / she walks around needing attention that he / she does not receive; needs someone who will listen to him / her. No wonder so many love affairs flourish in offices, when co-workers receive attention and are being listened to the way they are no longer experience at home.


There are many ways in which you can kill your relationship. I have listed here 5 such ways.

If you seriously wish to develop and maintain a successful intelligence, be wary of these five ways and focus on the positive:

1. Make sure you communicate with your partner;
2. Do not try to control him / her;
3. Give your partner positive feedback and reinforcement;
4. Respect your partner;
5. Pay attention to your partner and listen to him / her.

Practicing these tips on a daily basis, will enable you to develop and maintain a successful intelligence.


Tags : relationships

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